Friday, May 4, 2012

Dragging my feet

Our girls left 6 and a half months ago, but some days it still feel like yesterday. After they left we figured we’d give ourselves some time and redo our homestudy for adoption with another, hopefully compassionate agency. After the holidays we were pretty motivated to get everything in and whizzed through the informal interview, the information session and even getting most of the homestudy paperwork together.

February was a much harder month than I could have imagined. It would have marked 2 years of the girls being ‘home’, meaning, with us. I remembered the rainy day 2 years earlier that we embarked on a journey that we might not have taken if we’d known what it would hold. When I think about the girls now, it’s hard for me to even remember the things that were hard. In my mind I replay two smiling faces, running to hug Daddy when he’d be done work or playing sweetly with their siblings.

March was a whirlwind of activity, between crazy work schedules, painting the exterior of the house we were hopeful to own for 5 full days, making settlement and moving, adoption stuff got put on the back burner.

Although adoption from foster care is relatively ‘cheap’ (compared to international or even domestic infant), finances have has still been a hurdle for us. Settlements costs took a large chunk of our savings (although God provided every penny we needed for our new home), and just when we thought we had enough, we were informed the mortgage company made a mistake and there was an oversight and our homeowners insurance for the year had not been paid at settlement, so we needed to pay that. I found it ironic that the cost for the insurance was exactly what we needed to submit our homestudy paperwork, and I felt like the devil was winning in achieving our adoption setbacks. So now we’re just trying to cut back and save up so we can submit our paperwork within a few weeks.

All of these things can be seen as excusable setbacks. But in my heart I know I’m being stubborn. My life is pretty easy, my kids are ‘normal’, we have hardly anyone in our home without inviting them, no social workers, no therapists, and no diagnosis to interfere with our cozy life.

We remember all too well what RAD, PTSD and ODD bring to a house, and now that it’s been a while, we remember how much easier it is without these things. Sometimes the thought of starting over with new kids, kids who will be forever, is daunting. I know the first few years will be difficult, and possibly beyond that. In many ways we had just broken the ice with the girls before they left. I know it won’t be easy and it’s hard to get motivated to jump in.

In the corners of my heart I know that bringing new children in means that the girls will never come back. Part of me had hoped things wouldn’t work out and somehow they’d be back and we’d live happily ever after. Using up our space means that if there ever was a chance, we’d have to say no. Even though the possibility is basically 1:1,000,000 or more, my heart still held out hope.

I remember the girls every day. And as the mean cruel world would have it, if one day does go by, it seems like a sneaky little jab is waiting to poke at me to remind me of my grief in the form of a phone call from a dr. office wondering why the little one has missed yet another appointment. I miss them every day, I can’t shake the feeling that they got ripped off and the system really screwed them out of the life they could have had.

But then God speaks to me in the gentle, soft voice I’ve come to know. He tells me it’s ok, He has a plan. He is good-always.

I’ve been dragging my feet, but I need a good kick in the pants (as my grandpa would say). There are kids waiting for a family and I’m sitting around twiddling my fingers making up reasons we can’t be one for them. God does know what He’s doing, just as He made our 3 biological children just for us, I believe He has an adoption plan for us and to enable us to be a family to children who desperately need one. It may be tough, it may feel like a crazy decision sometimes, but it’s the stuff that counts.

Taking time isn’t wrong, and it may be that God provided each set back so that everything is done in His perfect timing. Perhaps we rushed ourselves too much to move on in the first few months and didn’t realize how much time we really needed. But it’s truly time to move forward.

Pray for us, pray for me, pray for my kids present, past and future. Pray that the finances will come in to submit our paperwork. Pray we will open our hearts without hesitation to the children God has for us.

1 comment:

Andrew and Esther said...

This post made my heart go out to you yet again. You are right to trust in Him - in His full plan for you. I will be praying for your journey - and all your children.